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My Heart’s Cry

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Hi, my name is Micaiah and I am a student here in the January 2012 Discipleship Training School.  God put it in my heart to do a DTS at the beginning of last summer when I had finally had enough of the craziness of my life and decided to shake things up and spend most of a year strictly devoted to God.  Little did I know that God was not just going to rock my world, but He was going to crush any misconceptions I had about Him and the way I should live my life.  I have never been the kind of guy to share my feelings and emotions with people outside of my family.  I always thought that if I were to open up to anyone I would have to hand in my ‘gender badge’ because my rights as a man would be revoked.  Crying was not in my vocabulary and hugging another guy was out of the question.

During the first two months, of this three-month lecture phase, the Lord has been teaching me what it looks like to be a true Man of God.  He has been challenging me to open up to my leaders and the people He has put in my life while I am here.  Openness is something that is still a struggle.  The times when I have been able to share what I am going through or what is going on in my head have been the highlight of this DTS, because of the peace that results from it.  Vulnerability is something that still makes me cringe but it is becoming easier and easier as I trust God and do what He asks me to do.  I have learned that opening up and sharing emotions is not something that should cause me to be afraid or ashamed.  God gave me these emotions and He has put people in my life who care and will help me deal with them.

Before I got to Belize, the only ‘manly’ emotion I knew was anger and the only way to deal with it was to punch a wall or person.  God is teaching me to control my temper and to love those who don’t necessarily love me back.  I have learned that crying is not something that should cause me embarrassment.  After all, Jesus himself cried.  If you have ever heard of the Bible, then you probably know the verse, “Jesus wept.” It was kind of a ‘well…duh’ moment when I realized that if Jesus did it, then why would it be wrong if I did?  The days that I put all my pride, insecurity, lack of trust, and misunderstanding of strength aside and give my Creator the worship and praise He deserves are the times where I know how God wants me to live my life.  A real man is someone who is confident enough to not care what other people think and do whatever he needs to do to worship God.  Crying because of the pure humility, joy, and freedom God has given me is something that I think every man needs to experience.  As a Man of God I am learning to embrace the passion the Lord has created in me and to share it with all my brothers and sisters in Christ!

Micaiah Steegstra – January 2012 Leadership DTS

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